Underwater

The bench in front of the wal-mart at 2am has a great view of nothing.

ad hoc collections of car dealerships, home audio storefronts, and nothing.

You can sit and see the miles of pavement roll into the bridge, and then the ocean. It's close enough to the river(s) that you can smell them instead of the exhaust you would smell if you sat there during the day.

Nothing out of the ordinary for a substantially intoxicated person to purchase 2 bottles of Aspirin and a bottle of water. The whole thing was very natural. The few cars that did pass me added a nice touch of "not being alone" or "maybe it's not that bad."

The shameless text messages that would have been my legacy, serve as a sign post of brilliant idiocy. Lizzy was right to slap the stupid out of my mouth when I finally walked back to the party.

"I was just being drunk and stupid, sorry guys. Mind if i sleep in your van tonight?"

hours later, I was underwater in the back of a volkswagon bus. like bobbing for apples and vomiting curdled milk at the same time. By the time I managed to walk up the stairs to tap on the window and ask for a ride to the hospital, my eyes were only so much useless water in my skull. By the time the cop pulled us over for speeding to get to the hospital, all I could hear was an embarrassing roar in the back of my mind.

Like every drop in the ocean was calling me a loser in unison.

"you've metabolized too much of it for charcoal, we're going to have to go with a laxative."

"sorry we already gave you the charcoal."

You don't know humble until you're shitting black into a free standing commode in an emergency room. wiping what feels like molasses and tastes like blood onto your poorly tied gown. You can't appreciate "oh man, I'm such a dumb-ass," until two of your best friends are holding your stupid fucking hands while an orderly wipes blood out of your eyes.

Stupid doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.

Dull is being catheterized because you can't wake up fast enough to pee in a cup. Boring is pissing all over yourself because the nurse couldn't get it in the right way because you were busy cussing her and fidgeting.

"I'm stupid and selfish." is all you can say when anyone wants to talk to you about anything. Unless you're begging for solid food or a cigarette.

"please don't baker act me." somehow translates into "baker act me," when you're mumbling with a tube up your nose and into your guts. Trying your best to look and sound like someone who didn't just get all Golden Corral on some Bayer.

I'd like to say that it was because I didn't feel appreciated by my girlfriend, or maybe because my dad bailed when I was a child. I don't know for sure, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I was bored.

Everything since then has been a lot more satisfying.

When I was at circles of Care I met a guy who ate a handful of razor blades because he'd watched as his girlfriend died from an Oxy OD.

He was positively buzzing with life. I left him my pack of cigarettes when I got out as a show of thanks for giving me some wisdom that I live by to this day.

"Don't eat razor blades."