once a cheater...

As I sit here contemplating my single-ness I can't help but think about all the girls I have cheated on (and the regret??? that goes along with it). And since this blog is supposed to cathartic, or something, I figured I would shed a little light on it. I don't know if talking about a particular time is more beneficial that just examining the perceived causes (mostly the need to have my existence constantly validated by members of the opposite sex).

Well fuck it. The very first time I cheated on a girlfriend was one of the best decisions of my life. It was the second girl I ever slept with and we were nearing the end of our ill-fated, two month long journey. In that, the nineteen hundred ninety-ninth year of our lord, I fell in love with my first serious girlfriend. She was amazing. We worked together. And most importantly, I never thought that she would go for me. She was clearly too smart and pretty to like someone like me. This was roughly my thought process while I continued to date... we'll call her Ingrid because I've never even known anyone with that name. I thought that staying with Ingrid was better than being alone. Much better than being alone while secretly lusting after someone clearly out of my league.

So it happened that eventually 'hotter girl' let on that she was, in fact, sort of into me. Or so her adorable note was supposed to have me believe. I was ever the skeptic though and had a sneaking suspicion that this was some sort of joke intended to test my commitment to Ingrid. Of which, I didn't have much. The afternoon that I received said note I had only gone into work to get something. Or more likely just to casually flirt with 'hotter girl'. I had plans for that evening with Ingrid. Once I got the note in my hand and read it I couldn't believe my luck. I had to escape. I couldn't look that ecstatic in front of 'hotter girl'. We exchanged a few meek sentences about it and immediately left for Ingrid's place. I think that I was expected to break up with Ingrid but then what if the note turned out to be a trick. So I did nothing. Just pretend everything is normal. Don't let them suspect anything.

The next day I was scheduled to work with 'hotter girl' and I couldn't wait. I told her that because of her interests I was now newly single (you see how I test them!) and perhaps also looking to mingle. More realistically, I told her that I had idolized her since she started working and that she was awesome, or something. We kissed! We discussed kissing in the future (which we did). We eventually started dating. This dating lasted for somewhere over two years and in hindsight its hard to count this type of cheating amongst the others.

But there it is, just the same. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to really break it off with Ingrid (something that did not go over smoothly). When I did, I never mentioned 'hotter girl' and it never really came up since she went to a different school. But Ingrid did take some time out of her busy schedule to physically fight me in the middle of lunch one afternoon. This helped to set the stage for my future difficulties breaking things off with girls I am involved with. I am worried that they will hit me... in front of people. It also helped to underscore why so many people in high school thought I was strange, in that, girls I dated would sometimes inact physical violence against me.