I have a hard time remembering most of the stupid/mean/dangerous things that I have done that would be the type of thing that I think this blog should be about. Like, I've done shitty things but why exactly are they going on here. Matter of fact, why is this introductory paragraph here? Seems a little frivolous... Well I've got news for you mister, you are being a tad judgmental and maybe this is about me, k?
This one night I was at a party. Like most parties in my home town, there were at least 2 of my ex's there. One of these was very recent and the other was someone that I had dated for a long time. So they weren't just girls I had fucked, is what I mean. I get really awkward in situations like this. Maybe anxious is a better word. I just drink and drink and drink until I no longer have the ability to think about what I'm doing. Typically I get really loud and stupid.
At this party a girl that I had only met a few other times was showing a lot of interest in me. This is always ideal because I have a tendency to come off as... um, desperate (shocking!) when I am the pursuer. So good news, I guess. We snuck off to one of the bedrooms...
We were both far too drunk to attempt what we were attempting. Another poor choice was not finding the light switch. We spent minutes fumbling around with each other's clothes not being able to find the bed that we had assumed would be in here. Had to duck out and check the room across the hall. Good news (arguably), a bed. We fell onto the bed and then... something went horribly wrong. I tried to get my dick inside of her and something was in the way. ALARM!
"um, uh, um, should uh, we be doing this?"
"What? (genuinely shocked) Oh! uhhhhh yeah"
She reaches down between her legs and grabs something. I was cracking up from how subtle and smooth she was trying to be. She brought her hand back behind her head and threw 'something' in the process.
::shrug::
And in sometime under ten (five) minutes, I am pleasantly content to go the fuck home. I walk out and the party is still going. People are drunk and talking and all that stuff that parties have. A minute later 'girl' leaves the room to join the party too. But at a run for some reason unknown to me. When she got to the end of the hall, 'slip, bam, ohhhh'! You know that sound of a body smacking the tile? That 'thwap'? That's what everyone (everyone) heard. I was maybe a few feet away and some people were looking at me like I was the one expected to help her. Clearly not what I had thought I was agreeing to.
I left. A dear friend of mine said to me recently, "with great power comes great... walk the fuck home." And so I did. I made it about halfway before calling a friend to come get me.
Hours later I am trying to fall asleep and I'm getting texts from the owner of the house about a condom, a tampon and some ruined sheets. I apologize profusely. These things happen.
Maybe a year or so after this, I went on a trip with a lot of people and 'girl' happened to be one of them. We ended up becoming very good friends and I think that it is even better because of the ridiculous beginning.
edit* I'm still sorry to my friend's little brother (as in under 13) for ruining his sheets.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
It's Always A Big Circle.
In 2004 I wasn't a very good boyfriend to any of the girls that year had in my favor.
In 2005 I was a bit of a distracted boyfriend.
In 2006 I was a lying and cunning boyfriend.
In 2007 I was a hopeful but unsatisfied boyfriend.
In 2008 I was all of these and more.
For all the life of me I can't bring myself to give a damn about what kind of boyfriend I am anymore.
For every time I've cheated I've felt that I've chalked a line on a score board for moments in time that I lived and got to taste something great.
Sometimes just one last time.
others, something that would never be on the menu.
the overwhelming guilt I had to stomach were more for the girlfriend and what she deserved, virtually nothing to be said about the fear that they might leave me.
other than the fact that since 2004, being alone has only been a painful inconvenience.
For every time I've broken up with someone because "I can see the end," I've felt that I've done my good deed for the day/month/year.
Dealing with the fact that "I messed up the one I really wanted" by not letting another one happen is hard I guess.
But not as hard as I get when I think about all the women I might meet one day.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
once a cheater...
As I sit here contemplating my single-ness I can't help but think about all the girls I have cheated on (and the regret??? that goes along with it). And since this blog is supposed to cathartic, or something, I figured I would shed a little light on it. I don't know if talking about a particular time is more beneficial that just examining the perceived causes (mostly the need to have my existence constantly validated by members of the opposite sex).
Well fuck it. The very first time I cheated on a girlfriend was one of the best decisions of my life. It was the second girl I ever slept with and we were nearing the end of our ill-fated, two month long journey. In that, the nineteen hundred ninety-ninth year of our lord, I fell in love with my first serious girlfriend. She was amazing. We worked together. And most importantly, I never thought that she would go for me. She was clearly too smart and pretty to like someone like me. This was roughly my thought process while I continued to date... we'll call her Ingrid because I've never even known anyone with that name. I thought that staying with Ingrid was better than being alone. Much better than being alone while secretly lusting after someone clearly out of my league.
So it happened that eventually 'hotter girl' let on that she was, in fact, sort of into me. Or so her adorable note was supposed to have me believe. I was ever the skeptic though and had a sneaking suspicion that this was some sort of joke intended to test my commitment to Ingrid. Of which, I didn't have much. The afternoon that I received said note I had only gone into work to get something. Or more likely just to casually flirt with 'hotter girl'. I had plans for that evening with Ingrid. Once I got the note in my hand and read it I couldn't believe my luck. I had to escape. I couldn't look that ecstatic in front of 'hotter girl'. We exchanged a few meek sentences about it and immediately left for Ingrid's place. I think that I was expected to break up with Ingrid but then what if the note turned out to be a trick. So I did nothing. Just pretend everything is normal. Don't let them suspect anything.
The next day I was scheduled to work with 'hotter girl' and I couldn't wait. I told her that because of her interests I was now newly single (you see how I test them!) and perhaps also looking to mingle. More realistically, I told her that I had idolized her since she started working and that she was awesome, or something. We kissed! We discussed kissing in the future (which we did). We eventually started dating. This dating lasted for somewhere over two years and in hindsight its hard to count this type of cheating amongst the others.
But there it is, just the same. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to really break it off with Ingrid (something that did not go over smoothly). When I did, I never mentioned 'hotter girl' and it never really came up since she went to a different school. But Ingrid did take some time out of her busy schedule to physically fight me in the middle of lunch one afternoon. This helped to set the stage for my future difficulties breaking things off with girls I am involved with. I am worried that they will hit me... in front of people. It also helped to underscore why so many people in high school thought I was strange, in that, girls I dated would sometimes inact physical violence against me.
Well fuck it. The very first time I cheated on a girlfriend was one of the best decisions of my life. It was the second girl I ever slept with and we were nearing the end of our ill-fated, two month long journey. In that, the nineteen hundred ninety-ninth year of our lord, I fell in love with my first serious girlfriend. She was amazing. We worked together. And most importantly, I never thought that she would go for me. She was clearly too smart and pretty to like someone like me. This was roughly my thought process while I continued to date... we'll call her Ingrid because I've never even known anyone with that name. I thought that staying with Ingrid was better than being alone. Much better than being alone while secretly lusting after someone clearly out of my league.
So it happened that eventually 'hotter girl' let on that she was, in fact, sort of into me. Or so her adorable note was supposed to have me believe. I was ever the skeptic though and had a sneaking suspicion that this was some sort of joke intended to test my commitment to Ingrid. Of which, I didn't have much. The afternoon that I received said note I had only gone into work to get something. Or more likely just to casually flirt with 'hotter girl'. I had plans for that evening with Ingrid. Once I got the note in my hand and read it I couldn't believe my luck. I had to escape. I couldn't look that ecstatic in front of 'hotter girl'. We exchanged a few meek sentences about it and immediately left for Ingrid's place. I think that I was expected to break up with Ingrid but then what if the note turned out to be a trick. So I did nothing. Just pretend everything is normal. Don't let them suspect anything.
The next day I was scheduled to work with 'hotter girl' and I couldn't wait. I told her that because of her interests I was now newly single (you see how I test them!) and perhaps also looking to mingle. More realistically, I told her that I had idolized her since she started working and that she was awesome, or something. We kissed! We discussed kissing in the future (which we did). We eventually started dating. This dating lasted for somewhere over two years and in hindsight its hard to count this type of cheating amongst the others.
But there it is, just the same. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to really break it off with Ingrid (something that did not go over smoothly). When I did, I never mentioned 'hotter girl' and it never really came up since she went to a different school. But Ingrid did take some time out of her busy schedule to physically fight me in the middle of lunch one afternoon. This helped to set the stage for my future difficulties breaking things off with girls I am involved with. I am worried that they will hit me... in front of people. It also helped to underscore why so many people in high school thought I was strange, in that, girls I dated would sometimes inact physical violence against me.
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